Girl Friday

I am on home leave...

2006-03-14T19:47:00.000Z

from rehab...I've been rehabilitated? Re-educated? Brainwashed? I was referred in September 05 for drug and alcohol problems so this is my last month of rehabilitation. I've been extremely good so I'm on home leave. In the last 6 months I've learned how to fake a urine test without getting piss all over my hands and how much I hate communal living. I'm sat in my parents house nearly shitting my pants because all of a sudden the choice is all mine.

Here I am...

2005-07-20T15:24:00.000+01:00

I've been in Amsterdam for a nice break...I broke my foot...hard luck aye in the light of recent events in London. I read that the people who detonated the bombs were British, not that it matters, it doesn't matter what colour or religion they were it's their readiness to kill innocent people that bothers. I know I'm going to get a slating for saying this but "ring out your Mosques"...stop protecting these cold blooded murderers. I can't and don't believe that in such a close knit community such as the British Muslim one, that people don't notice the change in the ones they're closest too. The KIDS responsible went to fucking terrorist boot camp for fucksake and came home unchanged? My fucking asshole! If you don't like Britain, if you hate the Western Way why don't you all go back to living where it suits your beliefs?

I just made a carrot cake...

2005-06-23T17:28:00.000+01:00

it's absolutely crap. How will I ever trap a man if the only way to his beating heart is through his stomach? Surely that's a lie? "Hi, I'm Camilla, I make the best semolina in the world and beyond."

Why can't somebody clever make all vegetables taste

2005-06-18T10:46:00.000+01:00

like the potatoe? My nephew will not eat vegetables such as carrots, cabbage, beans, cauliflour...all the usual suspects, he'll eat potatoes though...he likes the taste. I expect there are lots of children and adults who are missing out on nutrients from vegetables because they dislike the taste so why can't the greater powers that be change the flavour of food that tastes like shit? While I'm on the taste subject, why can't chocolate be made to taste foul, I love chocolate and it loves my hips and thighs...sooo much, is there something I can do besides to use my own will-power to stop me from eating it...I don't have enough strength to deny myself my fix of chocolate everyday but if it didn't taste so fucking nice I wouldn't crave it. Oh shit I don't know, I'd kill for a twix right now.

Only boring people get bored...

2005-06-07T14:46:00.000+01:00

I am bored...bored...bored...bored...it's the summer here in the U.K but we're not having much sun...lots of clouds which I love and rain which right now I don't love...Rain is cool when there's two of you and you're in-lurve and you're running through a park scantily clad looking like a pair of fucking drowned mutant rat dog type thing. I have my period...I'm feeling bitter.

I love the personals for comedy value...

2005-06-03T13:49:00.000+01:00

just recently I came across this one:Tall, dark hair, eyes, good looking young 42yr old male seeks female...I hope he finds a female with eyes, it'll be a match made in personal ad heaven. I'm so tempted to reply, just to ask him how many eyes he has.

I need to get a life....

2005-05-25T06:04:00.000+01:00

yes I'm grumbling again. I work, I do voluntary support work, I run every morning and every evening except for Saturday...I watch what I eat most of the time, I rarely socialise these days. Boring isn't it. I know I'm luckier than most, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly but Jesus Jones I feel like a robot. My good friends tell me I need a man, I've had several sometimes in just one day so men are out of the picture unless they're just wanting a platonic friendship. I am living the life of a nun.

Paperclips...what a fantastic invention...

2005-05-17T18:02:00.000+01:00

buggers to pick up, I just dropped a pack of 1000! That's my evening sorted. I'm taking it easy (nothing new) for the next week. I've been doing some voluntary support work and yesterday a woman who has an alcohol and drug problem attacked me...I was helping her fill out benefit forms and she grabbed my hair or what's left of it and tried to bang my head into a coffee table. I didn't respond except to protect myself and of course I shouted 'my hair, let go of my fucking hair', I had spent the morning preening and grooming myself and well she ruined my whole look. I don't know why she attacked me, perhaps I have one of those face's or maybe I just irritated the fuck out of her. Anyway the silly thing is today my problem lady doesn't even remember the incident, there were witnesses and other support staff, I was asked if I wanted to press charges after a doctor checked me over for knots in my hair n stuff and smudged make-up...what's the point in pressing charges, if I do my lady will end up in more strife and probably never ever get a chance to improve her own life. Fuck I'm like an urban Mother Teresa without the habit.

One thing I learned yesterday was never to turn my back on anyone I'm supporting and to plait my hair.

I went to the theatre last night...

2005-05-12T11:38:00.000+01:00

first time I've been since going to pantomimes as a child. I wasn't impressed...I'm not at all cultured or into the media drama thing, it's just not my style...I have no class, I was brought up on T.V, cinema and comic heros oh and books wonderful, wonderful books. I'm not going to say what play it was because that would be giving too much away but it was kind of shit and I sat through the first 45 minutes thinking of how I could leave without drawing attention to myself and my good friend. We were with a party of 12...they seemed to be enjoying the show so I felt it unfair to sit there with them fidgeting and whispering 'god this is sooooooo fucking boring' every 2 minutes. I know I have the attention span of a Gnat but really, if the first 15 minutes of film, play whatever doesn't hook me in then I can't play.

Anyway we pretended we were going to the loo and skipdoodled out of the theatre like 2 alley cats. Call me awkward, arrogant, ignorant and I'll totally agree! I'll stick to what I know, Pot Noodles and weed.

Had all my hair cut off today...

2005-05-09T16:56:00.000+01:00

well nearly all. It was waist length and now it's shoulder length, I look more professional blah blah blah but I feel like crap...hello vanity!!! Funny how a person's hair or lack of it can effect how they feel...I feel. Anyway, I noticed that men don't look at me as much and I think that's a good sign because men have always been my problem. What next? Maybe dramatic weight gain...

Lost for words...

2005-05-05T11:20:00.000+01:00

I have absolutely nothing to say here. These days I don't get the time or the privacy, always someone looking over my shoulder you know.

Vodka or Cider?

2005-04-28T11:42:00.000+01:00

can't decide....bank holiday weekend here in the U.K so a few people who aren't really friends are coming over...I'm staying with a good friend at the moment and he is having the friends thing so as I'm already a guest on the guest list I have to make a small contribution of alcohol. Vodka is quite magical but then again so is good cider, cider is quite a refreshing drink too while vodka well it's kind of like paint stripper just less taste more haste. I'm in the middle of cleaning friends house so his friends can make a fresh mess. All I hope is that the PUBEMONSTER doesn't leave pubes on the toilet seat or in the sink or anywhere for that matter. I'm not excited at all, the thought of drinking socially terrifies me right now. My hair looks a fucking mess too, it's hard being a woman who pretends to be a natural beauty.

This morning I walked...

2005-04-23T13:26:00.000+01:00

past a local workmans cafe, the sort that makes cooked breakfast...the greasy fry up kind...on the menu board outside I noticed that they serve a wide range of breakfast SERIAL...seriously instead of cereal some joker has written serial...purposely? I'm so tempted to ask but I can't because my spelling and use of language leaves much to be desired. Still, tickled me pink this morning.

There is a Deli in the area I live..

2005-04-22T13:09:00.000+01:00

does this mean I'm living in an 'up market' part of town? I just watched the news, in Surrey a young mother has been attacked and stabbed in the neck by a deranged lunatic (she is now paralysed and rendered speechless, poor girl)....the news reader spoke of the area being up market, he came to the conclusion the area was up market because the little street where he stood proudly on his first assignment had a delicatessen where up market peeps can purchase halva. The news man said something similar to this 'this little high street where poor people can't afford to live has it's own deli'. Bollocks. I hope the young lady survives and moves to an area with a local Spar....not a Spa as in health Spa but a Spar shop where down-town peeps can nick flaggens of White Lightening and kids can buy glue to sniff. There's a Spar 4 doors down from the deli in part of town, does this make my area middle-ground sort of up-market down-town? God I'm such a snob.

I've been called many nick-names...

2005-04-19T13:13:00.000+01:00

some nice, some not so nice. Evil Doctor...why do your friends call you Evil Doctor? I know why the Head is called The Head...you only have to read his ramblings to realise why, he just never stops talking...this isn't a dig just a fact of life. I've been called 'gymbunny' but not because I'm perky and annoyingly smiley every morning-I'm the exact opposite. Gymbunny was given to me because of my frequent use of the local gym. My life-long pals used to call me 'Cleo' because of my penchant for men in high places and my fantastic impression of the singer 'Cleo Lane'. For a long time the people I mixed with didn't know my real name and neither did I for that matter.

Nicknames -- a guest post by The Evil Doctor

2005-04-18T18:21:00.000+01:00

I was just making somes changes in my blog template and noticed that Girl Friday is listed as "Gymbunny." When I think of Gymbunny, I imagine someone who wakes up with a smile and is annoyingly perky. Girl Friday, that's not the way I imagine you.

First Date....

2005-04-11T18:32:00.000+01:00

was from hell. Had a strange weekend, Saturday night I went on a date with a man who's a friend of a friend. He took me to a house party where everyone was dressed up as super-hero characters, everyone except us that is. So there we were standing out like spare pricks, trying hard to make small talk over the loud music. Fun fun fun. Not. Lets call him Dave (not his real name). Dave went to get us drinks at 11.15pm and I mingled for what seemed a long time, the more I mingled the more drunk I became...anyway at 12.30am I was summoned by the hostess of this fun party to the downstairs bathroom where Dave the date was laying in a pool of what looked like blood, snot, puke and stuff, not nice. Dave was also unconscious, I got him into the recovery position and checked his airways for anything obstructing then I called an amulance....4 times I tried for an ambulance and each time they refused to come out because the telephonist didn't believe me. Eventually a G.P called in a jeep to assess whether the date needed an ambulance or not...the whole house reaks of pot....he's laying in his own blood and other bodily fluids, incoherent and bloody scared and they send some doctor to decide if his situation is an emergency or not! By the time the ambulance arrives and the paramedics trot in the date has woken from his near coma only to protest to being taken to hospital, because it was decided dave was coherent he was allowed to sign forms to say that he refused any treatment and was well enough to take care of himself. So there I was left with this person who wouldn't explain to anybody what had happened or if he had taken any drugs or had a fit or god knows what....I was freaking inside and what I did next is shameful but what else could I have done? I got Dave the date cleaned up, made him a cup of tea and told him I was going to use the loo which I did but after I had used the loo I flushed, pulled down the seat, opened the little window above the loo, climbed through it and scarpered into the darkness. I know, I'm so fucking bad and it's such a low thing to do but I didn't know any of the people there and I certainly didn't know Dave the date well enough to see his bodily fluids. I walked for at least five miles through dark country lanes until I reached a 24 hour garage, I called a taxi and finally got home. Sunday I felt guilt and then he text my mobile phone to ask if I wanted to see him again, guilt turned into terror and no I didn't reply, I'm too much of a coward when it comes to these rare incidents. I think I'll stay in for a good few weeks. Keeping my mobile phone switched off too.

Pass me the Benzodiazepines....

2005-04-05T09:51:00.000+01:00

and 20 units of alcohol please...I'm not stressed or anything I just want to get shit-faced. Should there be a reason for my need to get twatted? Not really but for the fact that I like the feeling I get from mixing downers or uppers or both. I've been busy working with people who use various chemicals on a regular basis and even though the majority of them are problematic because of their 'penchant' for certain uppers or downers or both I still WANT to experience the cosy feeling alcohol and benzo's promote...oh to be human is wonderful! I'm going to settle for an hour of acupuncture this afternoon and this evening I'm going for a gentle run. How grown-up of me to make such a wise choice....not really, I can't get any benzo's but I have a packet of M&M's which are equally habit forming and fattening hence the plan for a run and acupuncture is the closet thing to having an out of body experience I'm going to get today so you know! Oh god, the pope is stiff, yes I know you all know but I thought I'd better give it a mention as have many other blogs. I saw the pope once, he drove through my town in a car made of what looked like glass, from a distance he looked like a fucking Tic-Tac. Who's going to be leader of the ring now? Amazingly enough I don't give a shit!

I think I've taken the soles...

2005-03-29T18:02:00.000+01:00

of my feet off. I've been pumicing the dead skin on my feet, I get it from going running. Anyroad I got carried away and now my soles are sore. I began rubbing gently and sort of tranced out so now I have red soles! Yes my life is so full of...

Just had a birthday....

2005-03-21T15:12:00.000Z

I'm halfway to seventy...in just fifteen years I'll be fifty...and being a shallow vain creature I've been wallowing in self-pity and wailing 'it's all over for me now, my time has been and gone'. I see lines where youth once ruled and I pluck out grey hairs only to spout another ten. Although age is upon me I refuse to go the botox route because that would no doubt lead me to the nip n tuck Inn. I still feel seventeen years old inside this thirtyfive year old shell, still as confused and stupid, I still haven't found what I'm looking for, to be honest I don't know what I'm looking for anymore...could dementia be creeping in?

Evil Doctor you are sooo right.....

2005-03-13T18:20:00.000Z

everytime I mention what I may or may not be wearing I get a request for a photograph. Aren't men fabulous! I bet you look absolutely devine in a thong, right now I'm wearing a smile!

Deal with bureaucracies....

2005-03-08T19:11:00.000Z

as often as you can because if you love stressing out they are the SAS of stress creation. I lost my job....whoo hoooooo! I'm happy not to be a slave to a company who identifies me and other human beings as 'just a number'. I've been given voluntary redundancy, not much but I can use it. My voluntary workplace is still open so I'm going to carry on with the good work. It's all bloody good here except for the greater powers that be but that's just red tape stuff and I'm sure I can cut my way through it...especially if I wear a low cut dress and put angel curls in my hair.

Home...well at my parents to be exact....

2005-03-02T18:22:00.000Z

my room is much the same as it was 18 years ago...EW! Been sifting through all my stuff, found Bjork amongst the rubble. Listening to 'Venus as a boy' right now. I'm ok, it's nice to be here.

his wicked sense of humour
suggests exciting sex
his fingers focus on her
touches, he's venus as a boy

he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy

he's exploring
the taste of her
arousal
so accurate
he sets off
the beauty in het
he's venus as a boy

he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy

My life is like a game...

2005-02-25T11:41:00.000Z

of Snakes and Ladders...remember that game? I played it umpteen times during my childhood. Throw a dice, move your counter along the board and if you land on a square with a ladder you get to jump ahead in the game but if you land on a square with a snake then you slide the slippery slope back a few places. Simple little game really...so all I need is a ladder?

I think I have a thing for one of my fellow....

2005-02-22T15:21:00.000Z

residents...he seems to be an articulate, interesting and fun person. I know...don't go there...I probably won't but what if? He makes me laugh a lot and we hold each others gaze sometimes I think or could it be that we're both coming up on our meds? Anyway I like how I feel when he's around and we buddy up when we attend group sessions and activities. It feels good to connect with somebody who has the same problems as me even though he has different genitals, hey I'm a 21st century gal so I won't hold the fact that his genitalia is not the same as mine, he is comfortable with me even though I pee sitting down so ya know!

I didn't come here for the romance...but I like the way he stares into space.

God I fucking hate Sundays...

2005-02-20T18:36:00.000Z

I hate fucking Mondays too, Friday is my favourite day of the week but it doesn't seem to matter what day it is here at Dizzy Heights Ski Lodge...I just like remembering that I detest those two days in particular for reasons that are obvious to those who have to work to live. I'm not moaning, just being a twat you know.

Get in touch with the child...

2005-02-20T18:33:00.000Z

within you. Not the one who sees the world with eyes filled with wonder, but the one who sulks, whinges and constantly demands attention.

Introduce this child to those around you!!

In group therapy/discussion/verbal diorreaha session...

2005-02-20T17:24:00.000Z

this afternoon the group support leader finished by suggesting we have a group hug...when he said 'group hug' all I could think of was 'gang rape'. I'm so glad we weren't playing a word association game.

TECHNOLOGY IS A DRUG...

2005-02-20T17:04:00.000Z

We can't get enough of it.

WE feed it to our kids and watch them grow on a forced diet of desensitisation. Switch on the TV and someone will tell you 50,000 people died in India. Two seconds later you're watching a comedy. Technology can do that. It gives us simulated realities that make us oblivious to the real world. Heroin does the same thing. So do most class A drugs. We are all addicts - addicted to the comfort and convenience that technology provides, addicted to the notion that progress is directly related to the size of your computer screen. Of course it is. We must be right. We come from the developed world. We're already developed. Sure. Then again, wealthy kids in America shoot each other. Poor kids in Soweto can't stop smiling.

So who's developed?

Nitin Sawhney's music is keeping me sane.

I never felt magic as crazy as this...

2005-02-13T10:13:00.000Z

I never saw moons, knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

I'm lost, maybe it's the medication. I feel scared but I don't know why. Do you ever feel scared for no good reason? It's kind of like when you laugh for absolutely nothing or cry when there's nothing to cry over.

The best policy...

2005-02-10T19:02:00.000Z

Be honest.
All the time.
With everyone.
About everything.

The better policy...

Lie.
All the time.
To everyone.
About everything.

We remember your childhood well...

2005-02-09T18:35:00.000Z

Nobody hurt you. Nobody turned off the light and argued
with somebody else all night. The bad man on the moors
was only a movie you saw. Nobody locked the door.

Your questions were answered fully. No. That didn't occur.
You couldn't sing anyway, cared less. The moment's a blur, a Film Fun
laughing itself to death in the coal fire. Anyone's guess.

Nobody forced you. You wanted to go that day. Begged. You chose
the dress. Here are the pictures, look at you. Look at us all,
smiling and waving, younger. The whole thing is inside your head.

What you recall are impressions; we have the facts. We called the tune.
The secret police of your childhood were older and wiser than you, bigger
than you. Call back the sound of their voices. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Nobody sent you away. That was an extra holiday, with people
you seemed to like. They were firm, there was nothing to fear.
There was none but yourself to blame if it ended in tears.

What does it matter now? No, no, nobody left the skidmarks of sin
on your soul and laid you wide open for Hell. You were loved.
Always. We did what was best. We remember your childhood well.

Funny how children see things so differently from grown-ups. Today I heard several people slag off their parents in a group discussion about our childhoods. So much bitter resentment and angst, my story is different. I argued that my parents are not at fault for my condition, they did not cause the way my brain works and how it processes thoughts, they sacrificed so much for me, they loved me unconditionally. My parents didn't make me this way, they didn't say 'right, lets fuck this kids head up'.... I'm this way because of a chemical imbalance in my brain not because my parents affected me badly, they affected me in a good way but the imbalance in my brain occasionally over-rides all their hard work. Some people (especially some of the people in here) should try to take a step outside themselves sometime....the view is enough to shock even the most hardened spoilt brat.

Mums and Dads all over the world...sometimes it's not your fault at all.

It's good to talk...

2005-02-07T21:51:00.000Z

especially over dinner. Always bring up sex, religion or politics whilst having dinner with friends or colleagues or fellow patients, the results are quite entertaining if all three are discussed in depth. I'd like a large vodka on the rocks right now and a cigarette or two. Dinner was a mashed potato and fish pie with a selection of winter vegetables, dessert was sweet flavoured dribble with bits of rice and grated chocolate...yummy! Medication in ten minutes...Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick...fun fun fun fun fun!

Hey....

2005-02-06T16:57:00.000Z

I'm in a hospital for mentalists...had a funny turn so my parents freaked and got me sectioned. They worry about me....I worry about them worrying about me and so the vicious circle begins. I've been here 4 days and 4 nights...only another 24 days and 24 nights to go unless I appeal. Since I've been in here I've been given tranquilizers or what I call 'fuckitall' pills, I'm also wearing paper knickers and backless gown with hospital property printed on it. I look and feel fantastic! I'm not going to appeal...fuck it all!...this place is kind of relaxing and it means I can sit around day after day and stare into space whilst dribbling. I'm on a ward with a nice mix of fruit loops and I've just been given my lap-top for my good behaviour...I'm a good patient and will swallow anything they give me. Tomorrow my son is coming to visit...I can't wait, I haven't seen him for 6 days, 6 days without seeing his beautiful face and without hearing his wonderful deep voice. He is all I've got to keep me from going insane. I have to go now, only have a few minutes internet connection. Happy days!

Today my manager...

2005-01-31T17:52:00.000Z

shouted at me and I cried...I ran off to the ladies room and sobbed like a foolish girl! I started work in such a good mood after my relaxing weekend away but he soon put pay to that the bastard. Lord knows why I started crying though...maybe my hormones are out of balance...anyroad he made me cry and then got all strange and couldn't do enough for me. Maybe showing my sensitive side is a good idea, Mr Manager seemed to like my snot bubbles and smudged mascara plus the ugly face I pull whilst crying. It takes all kinds!

Amsterdam...

2005-01-31T17:50:00.000Z

was a treat!

Thank Fuck it's Friday...

2005-01-28T04:52:00.000Z

nice early finish for me today....I'm off to Amsterdam for a clog enthusiast's convention... a weekend of relaxation and relaxation. On the other hand I might just cane it and arrive home in a bodybag!

I don't need a man....

2005-01-26T17:48:00.000Z

all I need is to know I can! I know I can and I have plenty of times for cash transactions so dating is sort of new except for a few actual dates that got away because I was feeling sympathetic or was it just that I was feeling pathetic? Anyway I want to be alone...I'm enjoying my solitude and I'm busy at work and with my new outreach voluntary work. I love romance but I'm too much of a fuckhead to be a suitable date for anyone. I know there are nice men in the world but I also know I'm not cut out to be in a relationship with any of them. I am destined to become an old maid.

Blind dates...

2005-01-25T23:04:00.000Z

are fucking bollocks. Worse than Blind Dates are FRIENDS who set up these nightmare liasons. Saturday night I was set up on a blind date couple foursome...whoooohooooooo! Why do people always try to match make when they come across a singleton? What is it with you happy couples...why do you feel the need to throw extremely unsuitable people together? Is it some kind of cruel streak you harbour or are you just trying convert the singles into couples for pro-creation reasons? My date wasn't blind which was a pity, I didn't know him and I don't ever want to get to know him. I was set up...big time. I was under the impression that I was going to meet a few friends at a bar in town for an evening of vodka and idle chatter...little did I know my evening had been planned by my so called friends for several weeks. My date that never was turned out to be the slimeball of the century....he was also shorter than me....nice looking...average build....below average intelligence....he talked to my tits and slobbered over me at every opportunity whilst trying to pour drinks down my clothes. At first I thought go with the flow...you know, relax a little and have some fun but the man I'd been set up with irritated me...his voice went through me and the way he talked about how much money he earned and his wonderful life of luxury made me want to puke up. After he'd been to pee he'd leave the mens room with wet urine patches around his crotch area where he'd forgotten to shake after taking a piss. This guy I thought to myself as he spouted shit is single for reasons beyond human comprehension. You know I think he actually enjoys fucking himself on an evening.

Have a nice day....

2005-01-20T01:46:00.000Z

Requiem for a dream...

2005-01-16T20:29:00.000Z

Nobody wants to become dependent on drugs or alcohol, and end up a chaotic or problematic drug or alcohol abuser. Unfortunately some people do become chaotic or problematic substance abusers and they need help and support. Since I left my situation a few weeks ago I've been keeping my good self busy doing voluntary work at a street drug agency, I go there straight from my day job. 'What the fuck?' I hear you mumble...yes I like to drink socially and a little while back I had a cocaine habit, I've also used ecstacy and sometimes I smoke pot...for medicinal purpose's of course. I submitted all this information on my application form and to my delight I was told at my interview that I am perfect for the job in hand. It feels good to be putting something back into the community instead of laying on my back for half the community and some out of towners. This outreach work is the most rewarding task I've ever had the balls to undertake...I am helping other human beings and it's the best buzz I could ever imagine having. Over the last couple of weeks I've met so many lost people, most are heroine and or crack cocaine addicts, most are intelligent, articulate, engaging and wonderful people. These mutha's are wonderful people who somehow got on the wrong bus....the magical mystery tour bus....open top. Once again I've been humbled by humanity of these desperados and I also got my purse stolen...it was a shit purse, always empty.

So this is what I've been doing with my time in between working at the battery hen farm, running, getting pissed and smoking funny stuff. I start a training programme in April and next year I hope to become a fully qualified drugs counsellor and youthworker. I HAVE POTENTIAL!

Tell me why I don't like Mondays...

2005-01-10T07:04:00.000Z

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody's gonna go to school today,
She's going to make them stay at home.
And daddy doesn't understand it,
He always said she was as good as gold.
And he can see no reason'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Lighten up and laugh...

2005-01-09T14:56:00.000Z

without guilt. Had a great weekend...detox went out the window and vodka came in. I chilled out with my friends, got stoned and watched funny films. Anchorman is one film I can remember watching this weekend, the others are just a blur. I needed to kick back and laugh so Anchorman with it's zero depth and outrageously funny moments accompanied by a few tall glasses of vodka on the rocks and herbal cigarettes that make one feel funny are just what the doctor ordered. No probing or analysis necessary. Tonight I make my first trip to the gym in 3 weeks...it's going to kill me but I need to get back on the fitness regime before my ass cheeks drop 7 inches.

If I were coffee I'd be a double espresso at 3 AM...if I were coffee??

2005-01-06T23:09:00.000Z

I am the tortured, nail-biting essence of
coffee. I see visions. I could change the
world if only I were up at the same time as
everyone else. I have created a programming
language that throws errors if the code is not
written in iambic pentameter, and I am
infuriated by the typos in the new edition of
Ulysses. I practice sarcasm as a
form of tantric sex, and my cats have
doctorates. I believe in virgin sacrifice in
a good cause. I don't have any cats.

Dear Head I'm not dead...

2005-01-06T18:12:00.000Z

I'm in a coma...don't turn off my life support machine just yet. With so much emotional baggage to sort out and the fact that I'm living out of carrier bags I can't find the time I need to come here to share my small world. My concentration span has flown away, my thoughts race so fast that I can't comprehend them into words and pictures as I usually do. Each day I ride my emotions up and down like a yo-yo, that's what I am...a frigging yo-yo. It's okay though I'm wearing a smile more often than not and I don't cry in the shower anymore which is a good sign isn't it. I'm thinking of packing in my job as a shitfucker and buying an around the world ticket...or joining a circus. I'm also on the lookout for a book with these words in the title 'how to disappear completely', so if anyone should find this magical book please let me know. Don't worry nothing is ever as bad as it seems and everything will turn out fine in the end.

Lou Reed...Walk on the wild side

2005-01-03T13:22:00.000Z

Holly came from Miami,
F.L.A.Hitch-hiked her way across the USA,
Plucked her eyebrows on the way,
Shaved her legs and then he was a she,
She says, Hey babeTake a walk on the wild side,
She said, Hey honeyTake a walk on the wild side

Holly... was a transvestite actress Holly Woodlawn, star of Andy Warhol's Trash (1970) Woodlawn is still acting, most notably in Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss (1998) with Sean Hayes of Will & Grace.
F.L.A... Florida Hitchhiked got car rides from strangers.
he was a she... he became a woman.
babe... an endearment from babyTake a walk on the wild side...do something crazy
honey... an endearment.

Candy came from out on the Island
In the backroom she was everybody's darlin'
But she never lost her head
Even when she was giving head
She says, Hey babeTake a walk on the wild side Said,
Hey babeTake a walk on the wild side
And the colored girls go doo do doo do doo do do doo

Candy Candy Darling, a transvestite actress in Andy Warhol films. Lou Reed also wrote "Candy Says" about her in 1969 the Island Long Island NY.
Darlin... darling, girlfriend
Lost her head... lost her composure.
Giving head...oral sex to a man.
Colored African-American. Acceptable at the time the song was written but now considered impolite.

Little Joe never once gave it away
Everybody had to pay and payA hustle here
and a hustle there
New York City's the place where they said
Hey babeTake a walk on the wild sideI said
Hey JoeTake a walk on the wild side
Sugar Plum Fairy came and hit the streets
Lookin' for soul food and a place to eat
Went to the ApolloYou should've seen 'em go go go
They said, Hey sugar Take a walk on the wild side
I Said Hey babeTake a walk on the wild sideAll right, huh

Little Joe... nickname of actor Joe Dallesandro, who appeared in Warhol's films Trash, Flesh, and Heat.
Gave it away... had sex for free.
Hustle...prostitution.
Sugar Plum Fairy... nickname of Warhol actor Joe Campbell (originally the name of a character in The Nutcracker ballet.
Fairy is a derogatory term for gay men. And though it is probably coincidental, nuts also has the double meaning of testicles.)
Hit the streets...went to the streets.
Soul food...Southern food popular with African-Americans.
Apollo... a famous African-American nightclub in Harlem (NYC)
'em...them
Sugar...an endearment.

Jackie is just speeding away
Thought she was James Dean for a day
Then I guess she had to crash
Valium would have helped that bash
Said, Hey babe,Take a walk on the wild sideI said,
Hey honey,Take a walk on the wild side
And the colored girls say,doo do doo do doo do do doo

Jackie... Jackie Curtis, another transvestite actress in Warhol films.
Speeding away... double meaning: going fast in a car/high on speed (amphetamines) or other similar drugs.
James Dean... 50s movie star famous for dying in an car crash
To crash... double meaning: car crash/come down badly from a speed high.
Valium... a relaxing prescription drug, popular in the 1960s, and also taken illegally for recreational use.
bash... crash

Happy New Era!...

2005-01-03T11:56:00.000Z

So what are your new year resolutions? Did you make any...I didn't. I did promise myself that I will never ever go back to where I was in 2004, this year is my chance of a fresh start. I feel positive even though I'm a little sheepish, the sheepish thing will pass once my hangover subsides...non stop drinking of vodka on the rocks and the smoking of cigars hasn't done much for my health or my appearance...I look and smell like a recovering alcoholic/crack whore. Thank the greater powers that be that I was lucky enough to be in the company of long term friends because I was in and out of conciousness for the best part of the weekend...my mouth tastes like a pigeon has shit in it and my tongue is covered in white furrrrr...I feel a de-tox week coming on. Also I just checked my pants and there is no evidence of interference...thank you Jesus?

P.S...I met a nice male person...I know him from work etc anyway he took me ice- skating new years eve and I had fun...nothing happened except for a kiss at the stroke of twelve then I turned into a vodka swilling, cigar smoking girl powered machine so I think I've scared him off.

Dug this out today, it's my christmas theme tune...

2004-12-26T16:23:00.000Z

Holly came from Miami, Fla
Hitchhiked her way across the USA.
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her leg and then he was she -
she said:Hey Babe, take a walk on the wild side,
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side.
Candy came from out on the island,
In the backroom she was everybodys darling,
But she never lost her head
Even when she was given head -
she saidHey Babe, take a walk on the wild side,
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side.
And the coloured girls go, doo dodoo
Little Joe never once gave it away,
Ev'rybody had to pay and pay.
A hustle here and a hustle there
New York city is no place where they said:
Hey Babe, take a walk on the wild side,
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side.
Sugar plum fairy came and hit the streets
Looking for soul food and a place to eat
Went to the Apollo, you should have seen him go go go -
they said:Hey Sugar, take a walk on the wild side,
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side.
Jackie is just speeding away,
Thought she was James Dean for a day
Then I guess she had to crash,
Valium would have helped that bash -
she said:Hey Sugar, take a walk on the wild side,
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side.
And the coloured girls go, doo dodoo

JOY TO THE WORLD...

2004-12-25T10:17:00.000Z

Merry Christmas every body...

I've left my home...

2004-12-22T17:57:00.000Z

I packed my worldly belongings and skipdoodled out of the house I shared with my grown up son and ex-partner. I explained and discussed what I was doing with my son and he is mature and understanding enough to know that if I stayed put any longer I would probably end up having a breakdown. It's hard to share a house with somebody you don't get on with. I would rather walk away than live in a war zone. I hate shouting matches and for the last 2 years thats all we've had. I make him unhappy and he makes me feel like crap. We agreed we would share our home and lead our own lives but it didn't quite work out so I give up. I'd rather live in a tent with jack shit than live in cold comfort. Of course my son and 'he' get along just fine, they're good mates and I don't be-grudge that, I'm glad they are able to carry on without bitter resentment...something I'm unable to do.

DROP THE DEBT...

2004-12-17T05:16:00.000Z

Still hungry?

Who's been playing with my template?

2004-12-16T19:51:00.000Z

Fuckers.

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME....

2004-12-14T23:04:00.000Z

...According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost....ONLY MEN would drag a cute ass woman against her will and take what isn't his to take and feel no remorse, no shame or guilt. ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE...IT'S PARTY TIME...BEWARE...keep your guard up.

Geneology -- A Guest Post by the Evil Doctor

2004-12-12T05:48:00.000Z

Girl Friday,

I am so fuckin' pissed at you. Why didn't we euthanize The Head when we had the chance? Jesus Christ, he was 15 years old and he was biting the neightbors. Fuck, he was biting the neighbors dogs.

G.F.,I am so sick of the way you always make excuses for The Head, "He just bit the cop, he didn't kill him." "He just bit the hooker, he didn't kill her." "He just bit the parking meter, he didn't kill it."

Girl Friday, as much as I love you, The Head was a horrible mistake.

Evil Doctor

Tonight is the night of the office christmas orgy...here's a list of do's and don'ts and don't know's

2004-12-11T16:29:00.000Z

Some of the do's and don'ts and don't know's are in the wrong order...I couldn't post number nine as it was to disturbing even for my evil eyes. Tonights the night so there'll be the photocopying of genitals and the coming out of the extra marital affairs. The usual sleezey chatup lines from the office desperados and the unwanted groping and slobbering...there's bound to be a few nose's put out of joint and of course the cocaine gang who spend the majority of the night in the loo's. I'm going along for the free alcohol fuelled entertainment and rohypnol that will no doubt find it's way into many a ladies drink....the best part is the week after when shame hangs in the air like a dogs fart. Oh christ I forgot the mistletoe crew...yuck! I am taking mistletoe repellant and mace just in case I get unlucky.

.

Mingle...mingle....mingle....

2004-12-11T16:28:00.002Z

Hey...be discreet...watch out for the gossip mongers...

2004-12-11T16:28:00.000Z

No comment...

2004-12-11T16:27:00.002Z

Say thank you to santa aka your sleezebag manager in red suit with fake beard...

2004-12-11T16:27:00.001Z

Please remain fully clothed...

2004-12-11T16:27:00.000Z

Think before you do...

2004-12-11T16:26:00.000Z

Say nothing is best...

2004-12-11T16:25:00.000Z

2004-12-10T18:14:00.000Z

You know if I didn't post so many pictures my blog would just consist of a few boring paragraphs full of spelling mistakes and awful grammar... whoever stops by here gets to look at not so nice pictures and read badly written posts that don't really have any point except to relieve me of certain angsts and stored up shit. Yep, I post pictures here because I can't find the words to make my posts interesting and intelligent...my name isn't Mike Smith though and I'm not fat or stupid. The pictures are not meant to offend...I use the pictures to express my thoughts and opinions and basically what goes on inside my fractured mind. If the images displayed here on my blog of stupidness do offend please squint when trying to comprehend the paragraphs of tripe I post.

What would Jesus do?...

2004-12-08T23:14:00.000Z

he'd probably spew his ring up and run like the wind in the opposite direction. I wonder who took this picture and why...just for a laugh or worse...a turn on? Anyway if I were there behind that grotesque beast I'd kick him in those godbags so hard he'd be sure never to sport that thong again.

Are those his testicles?

Spend a lot to prove you love them....

2004-12-08T18:11:00.000Z

I work in the centre of Girl Friday city...I spend my time staring out the window watching the hoards of people rushing from shop to shop. The hoards have grown now christmas is upon us...christmas shoppers have taken over the planet. Christmas shoppers with something to prove to their friends, family and lovers. I love christmas time but I hate the big rush. Christmas is a time for giving but it is also a time for getting into debt...I'm brill at getting into debt so I've been avoiding shops and credit cards.

Cash registers ring are you listening...

Whats in your lunch box?...

2004-12-06T18:09:00.000Z

I tend to eat lunch on the run...grab a bite here and there when I can. I take a packed lunch most days, it's a healthier option.

Here's one I prepared earlier...

Catholic school girls rule...

2004-12-05T09:34:00.000Z

I went to a catholic girls school from the age of 14 up until I was 17...my parents pretended to believe so my sisters and I could attend, they thought they were doing the right thing for our educational needs. Most of the teaching staff were nuns, sexually frustrated, bitter women....all married to the lord. I once asked our mother superior if the lord had a big fat dick, she washed my mouth out with carbolic soap until I puked bile...I didn't tell my parents because they'd probably had done the same....mother superior didn't tell my parents because she knew what she did to me was wrong. I found a website that sells nun dolls, reminded me of my youth, the dolls look sad and lifeless, they wear expressionless face's just like the ones at my school. I wonder who would want to buy a nun doll, obviously somebody who didn't attend a catholic girls school or did and got a kick out of the mental and physical abuse or maybe they are Sound of Music enthusiasts. I tell you none of the nuns I knew resembled Julie Andrew's nun character 'sister maria', the nuns I knew were bead carrying cunts.

Lead us into temptation
We are pure divine creation
Talkin about my generation
Injected with the seed of emaculation
Catholic !

I'm in hangover hell...

2004-12-04T19:11:00.000Z

dry mouth

Is it Friday yet?....

2004-12-02T17:35:00.000Z

nearly. I love Fridays...every Friday I get to finish work early, 4 whole hours early...doesn't seem much to most but it's a buzz walking out of work earlier than usual. Also I have acupuncture every Friday straight after work and even though I've asked the doctor lady not to touch my ass cheeks she can't resist and who can blame her with ass cheeks like mine even the pope would succumb to a quick grope, no actually the pope wouldn't... he'd most probably prefer a little boy's butt so lets replace the groping my ass cheeks person with Sir Bob Geldof, he's almost a saint, yes I think he'd love my ass cheeks real good. So I leave work on a high, I keep the good feeling going with my acupuncture and ass love, skip home, long soak in a deep warm bath, slip into something comfortable and lounge around only instead of lounging around tomorrow evening I am going out to paint the town pink and I'm so looking forward to it. I picked up the most beautiful bohemian dress yesterday in a little vintage boutique...its kind of seventies, large swirly pattern, purple and teal blue, almost like a peacock feather type pattern, it's below the knee, halter neck with low back, sexy but not trashy... smells like an old lady who died but I sprayed it with fabreeze and hung it up to air so hopefully I'll exorcise that smelly old lady from my old but new frock. I will spend several hours preening and grooming, apply lashings of mascara, a little lip gloss, hair loose down my back, high heeled slag boots and off I'll go.... nearly perfect girl about town. I am actually meeting up with a couple of working-gal pals, can't wait but I'm nervous too, it's been months since I last saw them and I've changed quite a bit, I'm not sure if it's for better or worse but I know I don't want to revert back to the old me. I was such a mess mentally and physically. I think those girls are in for a little surprise. I'll never forget the life I was leading and I'm not ashamed of my past, I've been fortunate enough to meet some wonderful strong women, most of them struggling to survive selling the only commodity they have...or that they think they have. Of course they have more but are blind to it for whatever reason. Oh man I can't wait to see them...I love them, they have become part of my life and have stuck with me through and through.

Perfect girl!

The Head never stops talking...read, digest and stop fucking moaning! CLICK HERE CLICK HERE CLICK HERE.

2004-12-01T18:13:00.000Z

Majorie Dawes Queen of Fat Fighters.

From the playground to the company boardroom...some things never change!

2004-11-29T17:53:00.000Z

I'm all for a bit of banter as long as nobody ends up crying that is.

A message to paedophiles all around the world...nobody loves you, not even Jesus...

2004-11-28T10:52:00.000Z

So Mr & Mrs Paedophile do the world a great favour...kill yourselves...you know there is no cure for what you feel and what you are. The Church of Euthanasia will assist you with your voluntary suicide.

Cyber Sex reality...

2004-11-28T09:54:00.000Z

Unfortunately most people you meet in chatrooms are not who they claim to be...no surprise there then. Your supposed Mr Puurrrrfect with the hollywood looks could be the guy in the picture wearing that fetching little swimsuit and yes guys...that teenage hottie you were masturbating in the chatroom with could be that lady sporting fake eyebrows, false teeth and pearl necklace. I know, I know, cybersex is all about fantasy and I'm not knocking it, each to their own, whatever rocks your boat. Sadly though, there are more and more kids spending time in chatrooms which is fine when they're interacting with people their own age etc BUT there are people in our society who take advantage of our children online, paedophiles who endeavour to strike up friendships with children with the intention of taking things further....say it isn't so!...but it is SO and it happens more often than we like to think.

Fact: 1 in 10 female children have been propositioned by an adult male whom she believed to be under the age of 18.

Fact: 1 in 3 adult females have been propositioned by a weedy looking guy whom she believed to be Brad Pitt lookalike.

Fact: 1 in 5 male children have been propositioned by an adult male whom he believed to be a girl under the age of 18.

Fact: 1 in 3 adult male have been propositioned by a blubber whale whom he believed to be a Cameron Diaz lookalike.

So guys who are looking for sex online just make sure you both aren't 60 year old men stalking 14 year old girls.

And ladies who are looking for love online remember your multiple personalities can each have their own cyber boyfriend but do make sure that your cyber partners are in fact human and not some artificial intelligence programme.

To every adult and parent online please, please look after and protect your children, our children from online / offline predators. It's a sick world and a sick cyber world. Be careful.

Meet my new manager...

2004-11-27T13:24:00.000Z

as you can see, he has his head up his bottom. He is a cheeky chappy who thinks that everyone he meets will love him and tend to his every whim. He laughs after everything he says and talks through his nose. I knew I wasn't going to like him when I first met him and he probably feels the same about me. Mr Manager told me to 'run along like a good girl and fetch us four coffees for the meeting' yesterday afternoon. No 'please' at the end of his order either. I adhere to company guidelines and do what I am paid to do, I am not paid to fetch coffee for the management and I am not paid to asslick those on a higher salary than me. I don't mind going to 'fetch coffee' for people when I am asked in the correct manner. Of course I didn't fetch his coffee's, I asked him if his legs were his own and told him I would draw him a map to the coffee machine if he didn't know his way there then I sat down and got on with what I'm paid to get on with. I am an awkward bitch! I know I am but little things like this get to me you know, there are ways of asking people, polite ways. Because of my 'shitty attitude' he dumped so much work on me that I had to stay late to finish it, only I didn't stay late so I didn't finish it. I know there'll be an atmosphere Monday and I will tell him to take his head out of his ass and then I'll fetch him a coffee just to confuse him. Petty I am but just because somebody is higher rank at work doesn't give them the right to tell me what to do and order me around, I won't stand for it and yes I do have a problem with authority whether it's a manager at work, the police, the queen or a high court judge...I will treat them with the same respect they treat me...respect is mutual and usually earned. If I don't get any respect then I don't give it. I apply this in every aspect of my life and it gets me into trouble most of the time but I don't care, I enjoy standing my ground, it's a much better feeling than bowing down and giving in.

The Management

I bet this woman has colour co-ordinated shits...

2004-11-26T23:21:00.000Z

Anne Maurice...House Doctor...Estate Agent and the most irritating woman to roam planet earth. It's Friday night and I'm tucked up on my couch with dogs and the House Doctor is on t.v doctoring some poor fuckwitts house. Anne knows her shit, she can work wonders with a lick of paint and a few scatter cushions but I'd still love to kick her in the cunt.

TO ALL THE FUCKERS WHO PISSED ME OFF TODAY...MANDATE MY ASS!!!

2004-11-25T22:36:00.000Z

SSsssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh!.....

2004-11-24T21:52:00.000Z

I have applied for a job in a libary...is it true that librarians don't wear any knickers? Suits me fine. If I don't get this job I will rip out the last page in every book in every libary in the U. K...and I will re-write the endings the way I want and put them back. I need this job, I need the quiet, all those books, I would sell my soul for this position...not for the money but the libary is a favourite hide-out of mine. It's the one place people don't think to look for me in. My secret place, I love the ambience and the smell of the books and the way people are hush puppying around or sat in their own little bubbles lost in words.

Sssssshhhhhhhhhhhh!

Would you erase me...like they do in that movie?

2004-11-24T19:19:00.000Z

Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you,
I need your lovin-
Like the sunshine...

Do you fuck on the first date?

2004-11-23T23:08:00.000Z

Queen Elizabeth's tits are MASSIVE!!!

2004-11-23T18:43:00.000Z

The Queen was on the news earlier chatting her usual shit....I can't remember what she was rambling on about but I did notice that she has a massive pair of tits! I'm rather impressed. The breasts in the image used above do not belong to the Queen, I did not use the Queens breasts for this post because they're probably ugly, wrinkly and veiny.

Could you be dead...

2004-11-22T19:54:00.000Z

you always were two steps ahead, of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be...

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain.

For Tom....Everything but the girl...

THERE IS NO FUCKING GOD...THERE IS NO FUCKING GOD...

2004-11-21T22:39:00.000Z

I am tired when I wake up. I am tired at work and when I come home. I am tired nearly every moment of every day. Each day I struggle with work, family and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - A ghost disease that only I can see and feel and of course my trusty friend mental illness that everyone gets to see and feel. THERE IS NO FUCKING GOD...I told my beloved family today at the baptism of my god freak cousin...once again I shamed my parents, they don't believe in all that crap themselves but you know how it is, they like everybody else to think that life is a rosy and all their daughters are virgins and my son is the immaculate conception. While everyone was licking gods bollocks I passed around the scones that I had made, making sure they didn't get into the wrong hands like those of children. I waited a little for the after effects of the scones to kick in and then I decided to break the news over the karaoke system, I took the microphone out of my angel cousins hand and screamed "THERE IS NO FUCKING GOD...THERE IS NO FUCKING GOD!" several times until my father rugby tackled me to the floor with a look of horror on his face. I know I shouldn't use bad language infront of the fucking children but they say fuck when adults are not around so fuck, fuck, fuck! Dad carried me over his shoulder to his car and bundled me in, all the while I was laughing so much that I was sick down his back and in his car. So now I'm home and exhausted but I feel so exhilarated and I'm actually smiling. I haven't smiled properly in a while...I look insane...and one of my pupils is dilated but the other is normal size, strange. Also I think my new favourite word is FUCKING. Happy days!

Alcohol is poison to me....

2004-11-21T09:34:00.000Z

I knew I shouldn't be drinking last night as even the smallest amount can send me into a chronic fatigue relapse. So now I'm in bed again, I'll probably be here all week because of the couple of drinks I downed last night...self inflicted so it's tough shit...I knew the consequences but I just wanted to be part of the gang again, two of my close friends had specially dropped by with a few bottles of vodka so I indulged, actually I only had four shots of the stuff and I had to go to bed because my head was spinning and my temperature had shot up. This morning I have flu like symptoms and my entire body is sore to the touch so masturbation is out of the question, even if I had somebody to do it for me it would hurt like hell so NO you cannot help me out. I guess I'm going to have to sit in my bed until I feel okay so in between toilet trips and hot showers I will pour out my heart and mind. As my mind processes each thought my fingers will generate the results here, what would I do without this place called bloggland, eventually I think I would just fade away. My doctor told me if I want to drink alcohol I should limit myself to one glass of red wine per day so I would rather go without, one drink just leads to another one and another one or two so I think it's best if I leave it well alone especially since my drinking glasses are massive like goldfish bowls. I do miss getting bolloxed, I miss going out and having fun with my friends, I miss my shitty little life. WHINGE...WHINGE....WHINGE....WHINGE....WHINGE...WHINGE....

Cheers!

Is the guy in the picture Walter Matthau?...

2004-11-20T21:15:00.000Z

or have I had too much vodka? I have such a low tolerance to alcohol but they keep filling my glass and I can't resist. Fuckers.

I think I've had too much...

If your family try to bible bash you...

2004-11-20T14:56:00.000Z

then you must stone them...it's the only way to shut them up. My aunty and uncle are bible bashers...they often try to save me from sin, bless them. I have been invited to a little get together tomorrow because one of my cousins is to be baptised and born again...how she will perform this being born again act is beyond me because she is MASSIVE from chain eating and her mum aka my aunt is like Thumbelina only taller...so as a gesture of goodwill I have lovingly made a batch of fruit and marijuana scones for all my family to enjoy, they'll all be there even though the rest of them are heathens. They deserve to get stoned and being stoned might even enhance their religious beliefs. Oh I soooo hope Kenneth Copeland excepts his invitation.

Stone them...

Oh for fucksake...

2004-11-20T07:11:00.000Z

I converted to Haloscan for comments and have lost all past comments. If I'd have known I was going to lose all the comments you have so kindly posted I wouldn't have converted. I feel how I felt when I lost my virginity...really pissed off because there is no going back. Halo is great but if you're going to convert make sure you save all the comments first.

Lost...

I have just been clinically raped...

2004-11-19T17:52:00.000Z

by a Gynecologist. What a way to start the weekend...finger-fucked, there is no other way to describe an internal. I didn't have to buy the root vegetables after all. My legs in stirrups, I lay on my back thinking if he stays for longer than 5 seconds I will stick the nut on him...then I thought of how many women he had to examine today and it occured to me that he would not be enjoying it too much either....then Mr Gynecologist entered the room with nursey and began the examination. The feel of the rubber, the cold lubricant and that stainless steel ice-cream scooper thing they use took the romance out of the whole episode, for me anyway, but by the look on his face he was loving it.

Mr Gynecologist: "Relax, breath in slowly 1, 2, 3, 4...thats it"

Me: "Hurry up, I'm dying for a poo and I will shit on you if you stay too long."

Sniff...sniff

It could be worse...

2004-11-19T05:59:00.000Z

I could be a midget working my nuts of on some fantasy island or trying to survive the refugee camps in Sudan. Fortunately I am me. I'm lucky to live in a 'first world country' and it's not like I have a life threatening disease like Aids or Cancer. I'm a materialistic, impatient girl throwing a tantrum because I have to slow down and pace myself. I burned myself out but I had fun doing it! Now I have to replenish my body, mind and whatever else needs fixing. Also, I am desperately in need of a shag which means I am moody as hell. After work today I will stroll around the market and buy myself a selection of root vegetables. Fun, fun, fun!

Da plane....

Girl Friday - From The Head

2004-11-17T18:00:00.000Z

Hello jerks.
Girl Friday has been having a hell of a time recently and she needs us. I figure a little ego boost will help. I'm asking each one of you readers to email her or comment here about why you read her blog and what draws you to the inner recesses of her psyche, these pink pages, each day (sometimes several times a day). Be honest. Is she a like-minded spirit? Do you see a little of yourself in her? (Ha ha ha)
Or are you the complete opposite and wish you could be more Girl Friday-like and less mousey Susan in a cubicle (no offense to Susan, whoever she is).
Shit, do you enjoy punchin' the munchkin to her posts? Are you trying to woo her? Is she your fictional girlfriend?
Do it.

It's my stigmata time again...

2004-11-16T19:06:00.000Z

I am seeing red....the painters and decorators are in...aunt Flo is visiting...bullshit I am menstruating. It is one of the things I hate most about being a woman. Why do we have to bleed? I know the way it works and why we do bleed like slaughtered animals for at least a week out of every month but why us? why the fuck did women have to endure this curse? We do have the shit end of the stick when it comes to what happens to us as humans....periods, giving birth, menopause...fucking hormones. Once a month I go through a complete personality change, not only do I cry and sob but I want to kill...everyone, anyone who crosses me....I am a danger to society when I am menstruating...I should be shut away in a dark room, a secured dark room so I can't get out and they can't get in. I'm genuinely scared for the world outside my door. The funny thing is, I sit on a pod at work full of women and we all ovulate at the same bloody time and it is a living hell, we bitch, pick, bitch, cry, moan, spit, pull hair and basically abuse eachother verbally the whole time we are in flow, for the whole week of stigmata we absolutely hate eachother, despise with passion, it's horrible, like a black cloud is hanging above our heads. I can't wait until it's all over so we can relax and breath again.

I want my mum and chocolate and crisps.

2004-11-15T21:50:00.000Z

Lips and assholes...

Finally....

2004-11-15T20:21:00.000Z

Time marches on never ending,
time keeps its own time
Here we stand at beginning,
and then goes passing us by,
And I, I, I can dream for us all,
I hope I'm in a better state,
When here and now crumbles and falls and you, you ,
you who make worlds collide
I knew you'd come knocking one day,
unannounced like a thief in the night.

I am a thrill seeker by nature...

2004-11-14T21:16:00.000Z

What Famous Leader Are You?
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Girl in a wheelchair...

2004-11-14T19:41:00.000Z

Due to lack of energy and total exhaustion some days I'm having to get around in a wheelchair...I didn't want it but my doctor said it will help me on low energy days and it will conserve what little energy I do have...I feel disabled but I'm not, everything works but sometimes I'm physically unable to stand on my own two feet....then on other days I feel hyperactive like somebody flicked a switch on and the energy surges through my body so I tend to overdo things which then leads to burn-out. Chronic fatigue syndrome is still a myth to medical professionals and most doctors don't believe it exists, most people don't either(not that doctors aren't people), I know I didn't think it existed until this time last year. A year on I still have swollen glands, sore throat, cold symptoms, aching limbs, headaches for two weeks out of every month which I've gotten used to, a constant fever and perspiring, clammy skin...all these things are nothing compared to the fatigue, I hate the exhaustion, the feeling of being a head on a bed, it's so frustrating and now I get to use a fucking wheelchair for days when all I can move are my eyes! Of course I can see the comedy in this and I do chuckle as I race other wheelchair users down the isles of the supermarkets, I love going to Marks and Sparks because there are lots of old people in wheelchairs and they are ruthless I tell you, RUTHLESS! There are no rules for wheelchairs, we get to overtake eachother on eitherside of the chair, we even bump eachother on purpose and jam one another into awkward situations and we never ever give way not even to mothers pushing prams. I'm sorry for moaning, I know there are people worse off. I'm glad that I can still get around on my own two feet on a good day and I'm lucky that I can still wipe my own ass so it's all good really.

Breakfast in Bush's America...

2004-11-14T09:29:00.000Z

H.G Wells has a great point of view of recent events in the U.S of A. Good to have you back Mr Wells...I missed your wonderful mind.

Anti-Social

HAVE you forgotten yet?...

2004-11-14T09:17:00.000Z

For the world's events have rumbled on since those gagged days,
Like traffic checked while at the crossing of city-ways:
And the haunted gap in your mind has filled with thoughts that flow
Like clouds in the lit heaven of life; and you're a man reprieved to go,
Taking your peaceful share of Time, with joy to spare.
But the past is just the same-and War's a bloody game...
Have you forgotten yet?...
Look down, and swear by the slain of the War that you'll never forget.

Do you remember the dark months you held the sector at Mametz--
The nights you watched and wired and dug and piled sandbags on parapets?
Do you remember the rats; and the stench
Of corpses rotting in front of the front-line trench-
And dawn coming, dirty-white, and chill with a hopeless rain?
Do you ever stop and ask, 'Is it all going to happen again?'

Do you remember that hour of din before the attack--
And the anger, the blind compassion that seized and shook you then
As you peered at the doomed and haggard faces of your men?
Do you remember the stretcher-cases lurching back
With dying eyes and lolling heads-those ashen-grey
Masks of the lads who once were keen and kind and gay?

Have you forgotten yet?...
Look up, and swear by the green of the spring that you'll never forget.

Siegfried Sassoon, 1920

If I were a classic movie...why I'd be Wuthering Heights of course!!

2004-11-13T22:10:00.000Z

What Classic Movie Are You?
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Seduce my mind and you can have my body....

2004-11-13T20:25:00.000Z

and all of my emotional baggage...lucky, lucky you!

Love is insanity

It's Friday I'm in love...

2004-11-13T18:55:00.000Z

I don't care if Monday's blue

Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too

Thursday I don't care about you

It's Friday i'm in love

Monday you can fall apart

Tuesday Wednesday break my heart

thursday doesn't even start

It's Friday I'm in love

Saturday wait

And Sunday always comes too late

But Friday never hesitate...

I don't care if Monday's black

Tuesday Wednesday heart attack

Thursday never looking back

It's Friday I'm in love

Monday you can hold your head

Tuesday Wednesday stay in bed

Or Thursday watch the walls instead

It's Friday i'm in love

Saturday wait

And Sunday always comes too late

But Friday never hesitate...

Dressed up to the eyes

It's a wonderful surprise

To see your shoes and your spirits rise

Throwing out your frown

And just smiling at the sound

And as sleek as a shriek

Spinning round and round

Always take a big bite

It's such a gorgeous sight

To see you in the middle of the night

You can never get enough

Enough of this stuff

It's Friday

I'm in love

I love this song...

In the town of Darkly Noone resides...

2004-11-12T21:59:00.000Z

Vicky Pollard star of Little Britain...Vicky Pollard is the archetypal British teenage girl...she is gross, her vocabulary is limited, she has several children by different fathers, drinks, smokes and fucks around like a rabbit on speed. Little Britain is one of the best comedy series on U.K television right now. I love Little Britain and all who are part of it.